Real Men Do Talk

Chapter 1

The Journey of 1000 Miles

The hardest thing in the world is to relive, intentionally or unintentionally, a traumatic event over and over again in your mind. All recovery is painful and coming to grips with your own feelings about what happened to you will be no different. Since this book is for helping those of you who may have never shared your experience with anyone, lets take things slowly, very slowly. Lao Tsu, the author of the Tao Te Ching, wrote,” The journey of a thousand miles began with one step.” Reading this book may be the first step in your journey toward recovery. Since the process of recovery is like a thousand mile journey don’t get in a rush to get through this material or you’ll miss something that could help you.
As an adult male, you already have some insight on why you haven’t told anyone about your abuse and why you’ve been reluctant to seek out professional help. Your reasons are the same as those shared by many others who have been molested, sexually abused, or raped. You feel humiliated, ashamed, disgraced and have perhaps even blamed yourself for what happened, and, to top it all off, you’re a man.
And that’s the problem isn’t it? You’re a man. In this rare instance in American society your gender has worked against you. Culture, social stigma, and social conditioning have reduced you to a second class emotional citizen who should be able to handle everything that comes your way no matter how traumatic it is. You’re supposed to be strong, courageous and unflinching in the face of all adversity that comes your way. You’re a man!
By now you realize that you can no longer live the myth. Your inner turmoil, your problems with sustaining truly intimate and close relationships with those you love, and the inability to let go of all the debilitating feelings associated with your abuse has brought you to the realization that you are much more than a man; you’re human.
You should know right now that you are not alone. Although females garner statistically the most reported incidents of childhood, adolescent or adult sexual abuse and sexual assaults, the percentages of sexually abused boys are no doubt higher than anyone can ever imagine. It’s very likely that 30 to 50 percent of all sexually abused children may now be boys. No one knows for sure because males, generally, and historically, are reluctant to speak out because of the many fears they harbor.
What were your reasons for not coming forward? Were you afraid someone would call you a fag? Did the thought of being labeled homosexual further cement in your mind the need to masquerade your feelings behind a macho image? Did the perpetrator threaten you with retaliation? Or, was it because the perpetrator was a family member and you knew that telling someone would hurt a lot of people and possibly break up your family. One thing is for certain; you have not been okay since it happened and only you know to what extent the event has affected you.
It is my guess that some of you have been suicidal at times, battle depression, and have had difficulty bonding with your significant other or your children and have became increasingly homophobic over the years. Needless to say, your personal life has probably been in shambles because you’ve been carrying around this emotional baggage for most of your life. What happened then has helped create your now. How would you like to create your own now from now on? Since your identity been has been fractured you have probably formed distorted perceptions about yourself. You have also formed distorted perceptions about other people to protect yourself. No doubt you are extremely distrustful and may have resigned yourself to living the life of recluse with only a few friends and family members which act as your primary support system. But not even a good family support system can save you if you go on trying to hide or deny the problem, or if you continue to neglect the real source of your pain. You must come to terms with your abuse. Below is a list of questions you may have asked yourself often over the course of the years as you have sought to make sense of it all....
1. Was there something I did to cause this?
2. Will this happen to me again?
3. Why did this happen to me?
4. What will happen to me if I tell someone?
5. Why was I picked out?
6. What will my friends think about me if they knew?
7. Does this make me gay?